1998 was a year of fun unexpected parties, emotional highs and lows, and physical and mental challenges for both Lemmy and me. Little did I know that the year would start off slowly and painfully and end with me naked on a firetruck.
Lemmy’s health struggles were a constant source of worry, compounded by his stubborn refusal to seek help or change his habits.
For Lemmy physically, it was a year of battles—against his body, his habits, and I suspected, against his own fears. His coughing fits were relentless, each one leaving him gasping for air. The sound of it was wrenching, and the sight of him, frail yet defiant, made my heart ache. The scent of cigarettes and whiskey seemed to follow him like a shadow, a reminder of the life he had built and the price it demanded. He wouldn’t stop, though; stopping wasn’t in his nature. He bore his suffering with a kind of stubborn pride, as though acknowledging it would mean surrender.
For me, 1998 was a year of its own kind of trial. Balancing the emotional demands of our relationship with the unforgiving rigor of college was more than I had ever predicted. Organic Chemistry, in particular, felt like an unrelenting adversary, its equations and mechanisms swirling in my mind like an impossible puzzle. I spent late nights hunched over textbooks, the smell of coffee my constant companion, while Lemmy dozed fitfully in the other room, his coughing echoing down the hallway. I felt pulled in two directions—toward the man I loved and toward the future I was trying to build for myself. Neither path seemed willing to wait for the other.
One weekend, Lemmy came to stay at my place, and his coughing was worse than ever. I watched him sleep, his chest rising and falling with labored breaths, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong. Fear clutched at me.
I called Lemmy’s manager Todd and let him listen to Lemmy as he slept, breaking into severe coughing. Todd called a doctor and had the doctor call me. I described Lemmy’s symptoms over the phone and let the doctor listen to Lemmy as I had done with Todd. This was one of the perks of being a rock star; calling a doctor in the middle of the night and having them help you over the phone.
The doctor called in a prescription to my local pharmacy, and I took on the role of nurse, coaxing Lemmy to take the medication and making sure he ate. It wasn’t just worry driving me, it was love, plain and simple. But it was hard to watch him suffer, harder still knowing that he wouldn’t see a doctor, quit smoking, or slow down. He hated feeling like a burden, I knew, and his pride wouldn’t let him change.
He was sleeping so heavily and even the heavy coughing and gasping for air didn’t wake him. Being sick all year and he was sick and tired of being sick and tired. He once said that he was embarrassed when he was in public and would begin to cough and by the way people would look at him and move away. But he would never see a doctor or quit smoking and drinking and of course taking the speed. I was frustrated as I wanted him to do something, anything to help himself.
Rainbow Christmas Party
As the year wound down, Christmas Eve brought a brief reprieve. The Maglieri family (Owners of the Rainbow Bar and Grill) hosted a holiday party, and for one night, the air was filled with warmth and laughter instead of tension and worry. The party was great; tons of food and drink, rock stars and friends, we had a great time. It was like being at The Rainbow but in a nice home as everyone in attendance were regulars of the bar. I finally got the opportunity to meet Slash and his then wife Perla. Slash was funny and super nice, tall and handsome. I can’t think of anything nice to say about his wife Perla, so I won’t. After the party we all headed to the Rainbow to continue to party.
The night was going so well, however, when I danced with someone else, Lemmy’s jealousy flared. He walked up to me on the dance floor and growled “I’m leaving, you do what you want.” He then marched off and I followed.
When we got to his apartment, he started arguing with me. He screamed about how I was dancing too sexy and was just trying to make him jealous. The tension had been building all year. He exploded and I exploded right back. I tried to explain that I was just dancing, and that he had never once in all the years that we had been together complained about it being too sexy. He was so angry and finally went into the bedroom and slammed the door shut behind him. I laid down on the couch and cried myself to sleep. Another beautiful night ruined.
Christmas Day began with silence. I busied myself with cleaning, determined to make the apartment presentable for any friends who might stop by. The smell of turkey filled the small space, mixing with the sharper scent of cleaning products. Lemmy’s mood was heavy, I could see the exhaustion behind it, the frustration of a year spent fighting battles he didn’t know how to win. I was a little hungover from the evening before but still felt like partying. Lemmy’s friend Tom Rainone called and invited us to his place for an evening of fun. I was excited to go and was very happy for a change of pace. Tom was a special effects creator and was so interesting.
Tom told us a funny story about how he was transporting a prop that was a couple of burnt bodies. The prop was so realistic. A neighbor, who did not know what Tom did for a living, called the police on him. He laughed as he told us how frightening it was to have a ton of cops roll up on him, guns pulled. They demanded that he show them the dead burnt body that was in his car’s trunk. He was the genius Director who created the Motorhead video “Sacrifice” so maybe the prod was for that video.
After an hour or so of hanging out at Tom’s, telling stories and listening to music, our host left the room. When he returned, he was carrying a black medical bag. He stood in front of us, opened the bag and said, “pick your poison.” The doctors’ bag was filled with a variety of drugs for our choosing. I thought “Oh, how fun” and took a Vicodin and swallowed it down with a swig of beer. I thought it might help with my tiny hangover. However, about an hour later I was throwing up violently in the bathroom.
Lemmy and Tom and by this time Tom’s girlfriend were standing over me holding back my hair and giving me a cold towel to hold on my forehead. I don’t think I have ever been so sick so quickly. When I was finished being sick Tom helped me into his bedroom and laid me down. He said “I’ve been out of town and while I was away Marky Ramone stayed here, he was the last person to sleep on that very pillow”. He knew that I was a Ramones fan and must have thought that would make me happy.
The last thought to pass through my head that Christmas night was “Wow, I’m sleeping right where Marky Ramone has slept.” And yes, Tom was right, it did make me happy. It was a small, silly comfort, but at that moment, I took it.
The next morning Tom drove Lemmy and I back to Lemmy’s apartment. Hungover and embarrassed, I ate and took a nap. When Lemmy finally began to speak to me, we argued. I left thinking that I had finally gone too far and that Lemmy would never speak to me again. Attempting to call him the next day, he just wouldn’t speak. I really thought it was over.
NEW YEARS EVE AND THE MYSTERY AWARD
New Years Eve of 1998 began on a promising note. But don’t they all?
Lemmy finally called me on the 30th and told me that he was getting an award. He wasn’t really sure who was giving him the award or what it was for, but he wanted to share it with me. I was just happy that he was speaking to me. Immediately, I went out and bought a new outfit. I really wanted Lemmy to be proud of being with me. I dressed at Lemmy’s, and he seemed really impressed with how I looked. A long black limo came to pick us up and I felt like all our problems were going right out the window, we were on our way to a grand evening. I was telling myself “Don’t get drunk and make a fool of yourself”, “Behave”, “Be a good girl”.
The award show was held at The Country Club, the rock club in Reseda California in the San Fernando Valley. We went to the bar and ordered drinks and found our way backstage to look around and then found our table in the audience.
Well, this is where things take a turn.
I got up to go to the restroom and when I got back to the table Lemmy glared at me and said, “You missed it”. I said, “missed what?” I was only gone for a few minutes. He showed me his award and said “I just got down from the stage, and you missed it. I really wanted you to share this moment with me and you blew it.” He was accusing me as if I had picked just that moment to go pee! He said “I just wanted my girlfriend to see me get an award “and it just broke my heart. But his anger at the situation grew and was being directed at me, suddenly all that was wrong was my fault.
We sat glaring at each other for a few minutes and then Lemmy said, “let’s go” and back to the limo we went. He instructed the driver to take us to The Rainbow and drop us off. He was mostly silent on the ride back to Hollywood. I kept talking and finally he loosened up and let me give him a blowjob. Now he was happy again.
THE RAINBOW BAR AND GRILL AKA OUR SAFE PLACE
We arrived at The Rainbow to find our friends Randy Castillo and Mike Inez, of the band Alice in Chains, at a table on the patio. The evening suddenly looking up. We partied and drank and ate. Randy was with his friend Angela. She is blond and very “girl next door” cute with little freckles and the sweetest personality. She and I really hit it off and the guys loved it. We flirted and sat on each other’s lap, gave each other little kisses, and as we headed to the restroom, we held hands. We really had everyone going.
Lemmy seemed to be enjoying himself at first, but then I noticed he had gone quiet. As the bartenders began closing up and ushering people out, Randy and Mike suggested we all head back to their place to keep the party going. I was up for it, but Lemmy just wanted to go home.
I kept pushing him to maybe get him back into the party mood, but he was only getting angry. Soon we were arguing, and he stalked off home alone. I just stood there wanting to go to a party but also wanting to be with Lemmy.
911 – FIREFIGHTERS TO THE RESCUE
As I walked out of the Rainbow trying to decide what my next move would be, a big red fire truck pulled up in front of me. Someone in the truck called my name. Looking up, I immediately recognized a firefighter that I had met at a fourth of July party earlier in the year. I walked over to the truck, and he said, “Want to come with us?” He put out his hand and said, “come on in”. I couldn’t believe it; this has to be the fantasy of the majority of women in the world! To be on a fire truck with four of the sexiest firefighters around.
I jumped into the truck and off we went.
One of the firefighters commented on how much he liked my outfit. I was wearing a jumpsuit, which was completely back less. Basically, just pants with two strips of cloth that came up to cover my breasts and tied behind my neck. He said, “It looks very soft” and reached out to run one of his hands across the cloth covering my nipple.
The firefighters on my other side of me then ran his hand across the other nipple. I giggled, reached up to untie the knot at my neck and let the two cloth strips fall. The guys all broke into applause. And each of the firefighters seated next to me took a breast and began to fondle and nibble. I was in heaven.
The guys in the front seat each wanted to take a turn. We pulled the truck onto a cul-de-sac on a dark street, and I moved to the front of the truck so that they could each have a feel. They let me try on a firemen’s hat and we took pictures. What an adventure. I rode around with them for a short while and then they dropped me off near Lemmy’s apartment.
When they dropped me off near Lemmy’s apartment, the gravity of the year settled over me.
Inside, Lemmy wouldn’t speak to me. His silence stretched into weeks. I tried to focus on school, but it was impossible not to feel the weight of his absence. Organic Chemistry seemed trivial compared to the emotional chasm between us. By the time he finally called in February, I was exhausted—by school, by love, by life itself. Looking back, 1998 wasn’t just a year of challenges; it was a year that taught me the depths of compassion, the strength it takes to stand by someone you love, and the quiet courage of holding on when everything feels like it’s falling apart.
COMING SOON
The Grammy Award Show With Lemmy!
And back on Tour with Motorhead – Hello Scandinavia!