Lemmy told me that the song One More Fucking Time, released in 2000, was written for me, because of me. Never in a million years would I imagine that I would be the subject of a Motorhead song.
Lemmy and I had fallen into a pattern of breaking up and making up and that pattern would continue throughout our entire relationship until it would finally break to the point of no return.
One afternoon in mid-September, I was cleaning Lemmy’s living room, and I came across a pale blue teddy, lingerie that did not belong to me. I knew that being a rock stars girlfriend required a much higher level of tolerance than for most normal folk. And I knew that Lemmy occasionally saw other women. And all of that would have been fine if he were only honest with me.
When I had other men in my life, I was honest. I did not give him the nitty gritty details, but he was always aware of my situation. But he continued to lie about it and talk about how he was such an honorable man who would never tell a lie. The one thing that I hate the most is being lied to. I hate being treated like a total dummy, like I am too stupid to see the obvious. I am very open minded and would much rather have a boyfriend be honest about his need to see other women than to look me right in the face and lie to me.
Lemmy used to say that he liked me because I was so smart and then he would turn around and lie about the dumbest things and he would deny, deny, deny, and continue to say that I was the only woman in his life. He did finally wise up and admit to other women and I became “number one girlfriend”.
He still lied but at least he did it less.
So, on this day when I furiously confronted him with the evidence, he denied it and said, “oh, that’s probably been here for a long time, since before you started coming around”. We had been dating for years now and I was the one who tried to clean. I think I would remember a piece of clothing like that. I was furious and had come to the end of my rope with too many lies.
Our fights were epic. We would both scream at each other and Lemmy would storm into the other room. And I would sit and sulk. And then he would storm back in to scream some more. I would get very stoic and stone-faced, all emotion gone. Very scary for some men as they cannot tell what is happening behind my eyes. And I think this was somewhat frustrating for Lemmy as he didn’t know where to go with the argument.
I told him that I never ever wanted to see him again and that I hated him, and I walked out. I would stay angry for a few days and then I would soften and then I would start to miss him.
Not long after this big blowout I received the following postcard.
So charming and funny. I loved when he called me “Dusky Beauty”. I would receive these postcards and my heart would melt. He says “Hope you’re in a better mood! Please don’t’ do anything I might regret, OK!”
How could I stay mad?
Two weeks later I found myself in a familiar situation – Calling Alex asking him to send me the Motorhead tour schedule. And a few days later I was on the phone with Lemmy who was now in Stockholm, Sweden. We made up and he asked me to hire a limo and pick him up at the airport when he returned.
Soon after a new postcard with a totally different tone. Now we were back on track and in love again.
This would be the first of many “permanent break-ups” throughout the years. My heart was broken more than once, but it was worth it to be in his life. I was in love with Lemmy. I was always fighting internally with myself and trying to find a balance between this intense love for him and my journey to find love for myself. Where was the line between understanding and completely accepting who he was, and my possibly being taken advantage of or being taken for granted?
This was a common theme in our relationship – One More Fucking Time. As I grew older my sense of self became stronger and I wanted more. Felt like I deserved more than being the “number one”. At the very least to be treated with respect and not lied to like I was too stupid to not see what the truth was.
With Alex’s help I hired a Limo. I arranged for them to pick me up and then to pick Lemmy up at LAX. I was so excited to see him in person to make up properly.
When he came through the gate, he had a giant smile on his face. He said, “Do I have a surprise for you”. I squealed and begged to see my present. Lemmy always gave the best gifts, and he was so excited to give them. He would play guessing games and try to get me to guess with clues. A fun little game to intensify the expectation.
But he made me wait until we got back to his place in West Hollywood.
As soon as we arrived at his place I was jumping up and down to get to my present. Lemmy was taking his time opening mail and puttering around. He was reading his mail and looking at the new catalogs he had received. He loved making me squirm.
Finally, he opened his luggage and there was the most beautiful leather jacket ever. I was over the moon excited and happy. I put it on and did a couple of spins through the room. Lemmy laughed and was pleased with my excitement.
And then less than a week later…. It was OVER … AGAIN…One More Fucking Time !! And this was for good this time!!
I think I was supposed to go over to his place, and he canceled. Had better things to do than to see me. I was such a spoiled brat. I realize that now looking back. And then after many long hours on the phone and a nice steak dinner we were back… Love is crazy…
COMING SOON – LEMMY TURNS 50
I remember the drunken party, the multitude of friends, the kindness of Iggy Pop and Metallica’s James Hetfield, the coolness of Tamie Downs Hair as he leaned in to chat, how creepy and sweaty Ron Jeremy was as he shook my hand. Stay Tuned.